direction, not perfection.

written 6/19/08

so ... i've been e-mailing katy back and forth for the past few days about whats been going on with me these past couple of months and it really helped me realize that right now i'm just not at a place in my walk with Christ to be up on stage on sundays helping lead worship. and that kinda breaks my heart. like i said in one of my previous blogs, the one sunday that i was up there, i really felt like thats right where God wanted me to be. buuuut, on a positive note, i know that i'm going to be right back up there singing as soon as i straighten some things out within myself, and in my realationship with God. today i sat down and talked with justin mccartney and thomas ivey about all of this earlier today and i am just amazed with them. they were so supportive and understanding. i mean, i really didnt expect anything different from them...but wow. it just went so much better than i could've hoped for. they just encouraged me and let me know that whenever i felt i was ready to come back, they'd be more than willing to put me back up there. and thomas said something that really helped a lot. he just told me not feel like i had to be perfect in order to get back up there, and that no one that sang up there was perfect. far from it. and i know thats true of everyone. no one is perfect. but it just helps to hear that. because i am pretty hard on myself sometimes...and i know that all of that only comes from satan. he shared with me something that someone had shared with him that he says he tries to tell people as often as he can... "God doesn't care about perfection, He cares about your direction." thats awesome. and good.....becasue i'm NEVER going to be even close to perfect. i'm so glad to have a gracious God. oh...and after i met with justin and thomas, later tonight i went over to katy's, and her and i had an even better talk. i'm so glad that God put it in her heart to contact me to check n make sure i was doing ok. she heard i was struggling and responded. and i'm sooo grateful for that. (thanks katy!) after our talk, i'm just so excited about what the future holds for me. i mean....i know now that i'm on the right path. i'm so determined to fight my way back to God...you have no idea. its just such a great feeling to know that He's waiting for me, arms wide open. i love it. i cant wait to see what He has in store for my life. His plan is so much greater than i can even imagine...and as long as i stay on the path to Him, life is going to be wonderful. full of struggles i'm sure....but that makes it all the better! as long as i dont let myself fall, and i have people to rely to help keep me from falling also....oh man. i just want to live the life He wants for me! nothing will be able to beat that. i cant wait to get more involved with the tribe. i used to be so much more into it than i have been the past...pft...probly 3 or 4 months. i dunno what happened. but... i'm gonna be there all the time now, becasue that group helped me out SO much when i first started going to grace point. so thats what i need now. that community...that fellowship...with those people. those amazing people. God put them in my life for a reason and i realize that now more than ever. i'm just super excited to see where this goes.

**thanks God for absolutely everything thats happened. thank you for this struggle that i'm going through. i know its only going to being me closer to You, Lord. thank you for the amaaazing people you've put in my life. thanks for justin, thomas, and katy... thank you for their understanding, support, and encouragement. its just what i needed. and You knew that. You're awesome. i'm excited to see where You're taking me Lord. please dont let me lose sight of that. my heart is burning for you Lord. help me keep that fire lit. in Your Son's holy name. ♥ **

steal my heart and take the pain

Written 6/18/08

ok..., well i just got done reading a few chapters in "the irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne (which ryan gave me forever ago and i STILL havent finished) and.... its just what i needed. of course. thanks God. just a few chapters on how forgiving our God is. how loving He is. how he loves people that society considers to be the lowest of the low. no one is too far gone that they cant be redeemed. how gracious of a God is He?? man... after all the times that i've tuned my back on Him to let in the world... and as soon as i turn around He is still there...arms open...saying "yes, I'm still here. always will be." at first...there's always that guilt. that thought of how could i do that to HIM?? and then right after...there's a flood of thankfulness....and love. why He's still there is beyond me. i mean, i know. i know He loves me...and always will. but...how?? i guess i dont really need to know the answer. i just need to know that its the truth. the pure and simple truth. this thought makes me think back the the winter retreat as we listened to jason speak to us. he gave a great analogy, one i wont soon forget, if ever. he said something that was comparing our relationship with Jesus to a dance. he said something like: "we keep looking down at our feet, afraid we'll mess up; afraid we'll trip over our ourselves. and all Jesus wants is for us to look up at Him. as long as we are looking to Him everything will be alright." of course thats not a direct quote, and i'm sure i didnt say it near as well as He did... but man, that analogy is ingrained in me now. especually because i cant dance! (haha) but really.... i can picture that perfectly in my head. my dance with Jesus...and i just cant stop looking down. self consious about every move i make. and i keep looking down, even though i know what He wants (and what i really want to!) is to look up at Him...into His eyes... and fall in love. fall in love with a passion so strong that nothing can tear me away again. a love that can withstand any trial that is put in front of me.

**Lord, right now i just pray for the confidence to look up at You, even when i'm scared of messing up. especially when i'm scared of messing up! because you are the one that can hold me up and keep me from falling. and i'll never understand it God, but i thank you for your grace; for your forgiveness. i know that i'm not deserving of it... but i also know that you love me regardless. wow. thank you... from the bottom of my broken heart.**

last night i came to the realization that my walk with God is all out of whack. i'm going to attempt to explain with more analogies. yay. haha. umm...well, gracepoint looks at our walk with God like a mountain. we reach different summits... different levels of our relationship with Him, ya know? well... looking at my life, i see my walk with God more resembles waves in the ocean....a tide coming in. and just for the sake of my analogy, we'll say God is sittin' up on top of the sand dunes. (its ok to laugh at that. haha.) well...once i get on fire for God, i get all this passion and energy built up, just like you can see a wave build up before it heads to shore. and then my realationship with Him is on the rise. i pray all the time, get into the Word, have deep God talks with friends, Jesus is part of my life every day... and thats when i'm the wave heading towards the shore. totally on fire for God, and heading straight towards Him. and then the world...satan... starts throwing all kinds of things my way. and at first i see it as nothing. pft...yeah, like thats gonna stop me. and yet...it always does. little by little my wave gets broken down. and just as soon as its almost there.....my wave dies down and washes back toward the ocean. that is until something else sets me on fire for Him again. and it seems like every time i get closer....and closer.... but each time i let the world....that stupid sand....get in my way and knock me back, away from my God.

now...i have no idea how much sense that will make to anyone else, but it makes sense to me, and this is my blog...so...its staying. haha.

but yeah...thats kind of where i am right now. just got washed back into the ocean of life and i'm trying to fight my way back to the shore. i dont wanna be stuck floating in the abyss. i want my life to have a purpose...a direction. and right now that direction is back to Jesus. and i'm gonna get there! He's pulling me in. i feel it. i know He's here with me... wanting me to get back up on my feet and run to Him. and i'll do just that! just wait n' see!

a life i should not own

so...i finally decided to start a blog. i put it off and put it off...and decided this weekend that i really needed to do it. i had an awesome sunday and i wanted to write about it, if only so i could look back on it and remember.

i guess i should have just a quick update on me and my life and where i am right now before i get started. at the start of this year i was where i wanted to be in life, especially in my walk with God. every day my relationship with Him got better and better. the only thing i didnt do enough of was reading my bible. i guess it was around the end of april beginning of may i really began to struggle in my walk with God. and the sad thing was i didnt even see it happening. or maybe it was that i chose to not see it... not until it was too late. not only did i fall, but i backslided quite a bit. i had been doing so well, but then i made the mistake of thinking i was strong enough to be surrounded by the things that made me fall before and not let them get to me anymore. i was wrong. after being around it enough... being surrounded by it... its so hard not to give in. and thats what happened. i caved into the pressure. all of that has really started to hit me recently. especially since i've got a good friend of mine relying on me to help keep her on the right path as well. the only problem is its gonna be a little tough for us to rely on eachother when one of our struggles is the same thing. so...we're gonna try to find someone to help us both out with that. prayin' for God to bring us someone who will understand and walk us through the tough times when we can't do it ourselves.

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this sunday at summer nights, a praise and worship service that the tribe has every sunday night, one moment stuck out for me over all the others. that was when they sang "worlds apart" by jars of clay. as i sat on my blanket and closed my eyes, the words of that song hit me hard. it was my life. its what i'm struggling with right now. letting go of this world to hold on to the one that loves me more than i could ever even imagine. more than i'll ever deserve. at first i felt ashamed. guilty for letting myself be distracted and pulled away from the life He wants for me. but then i think back the winter retreat and realize that the guilt is only evil trying to bring me down even farther. i told Him that i was sorry for everything and let the grace wash over me. i walked away from the service that night knowing that i was loved and forgiven. its so easy to forget that when you let yourself get dragged down so far. but, i'm on my way up now. and i know it won't be easy. i'm preparing myself for a hard fight, but i know that my God is bigger than any problem i'll face, and knowing that is encouragement enough.

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i've got so much more to write. so much more to say about all of this. but, i'll save it. i've got a lot more praying to do, and hopefully i'll be keeping up with this daily. i'm sure it'll help a lot to be able to get everything out.

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"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but loveto give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart