a life i should not own

so...i finally decided to start a blog. i put it off and put it off...and decided this weekend that i really needed to do it. i had an awesome sunday and i wanted to write about it, if only so i could look back on it and remember.

i guess i should have just a quick update on me and my life and where i am right now before i get started. at the start of this year i was where i wanted to be in life, especially in my walk with God. every day my relationship with Him got better and better. the only thing i didnt do enough of was reading my bible. i guess it was around the end of april beginning of may i really began to struggle in my walk with God. and the sad thing was i didnt even see it happening. or maybe it was that i chose to not see it... not until it was too late. not only did i fall, but i backslided quite a bit. i had been doing so well, but then i made the mistake of thinking i was strong enough to be surrounded by the things that made me fall before and not let them get to me anymore. i was wrong. after being around it enough... being surrounded by it... its so hard not to give in. and thats what happened. i caved into the pressure. all of that has really started to hit me recently. especially since i've got a good friend of mine relying on me to help keep her on the right path as well. the only problem is its gonna be a little tough for us to rely on eachother when one of our struggles is the same thing. so...we're gonna try to find someone to help us both out with that. prayin' for God to bring us someone who will understand and walk us through the tough times when we can't do it ourselves.

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this sunday at summer nights, a praise and worship service that the tribe has every sunday night, one moment stuck out for me over all the others. that was when they sang "worlds apart" by jars of clay. as i sat on my blanket and closed my eyes, the words of that song hit me hard. it was my life. its what i'm struggling with right now. letting go of this world to hold on to the one that loves me more than i could ever even imagine. more than i'll ever deserve. at first i felt ashamed. guilty for letting myself be distracted and pulled away from the life He wants for me. but then i think back the winter retreat and realize that the guilt is only evil trying to bring me down even farther. i told Him that i was sorry for everything and let the grace wash over me. i walked away from the service that night knowing that i was loved and forgiven. its so easy to forget that when you let yourself get dragged down so far. but, i'm on my way up now. and i know it won't be easy. i'm preparing myself for a hard fight, but i know that my God is bigger than any problem i'll face, and knowing that is encouragement enough.

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i've got so much more to write. so much more to say about all of this. but, i'll save it. i've got a lot more praying to do, and hopefully i'll be keeping up with this daily. i'm sure it'll help a lot to be able to get everything out.

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"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but loveto give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart