direction, not perfection.

written 6/19/08

so ... i've been e-mailing katy back and forth for the past few days about whats been going on with me these past couple of months and it really helped me realize that right now i'm just not at a place in my walk with Christ to be up on stage on sundays helping lead worship. and that kinda breaks my heart. like i said in one of my previous blogs, the one sunday that i was up there, i really felt like thats right where God wanted me to be. buuuut, on a positive note, i know that i'm going to be right back up there singing as soon as i straighten some things out within myself, and in my realationship with God. today i sat down and talked with justin mccartney and thomas ivey about all of this earlier today and i am just amazed with them. they were so supportive and understanding. i mean, i really didnt expect anything different from them...but wow. it just went so much better than i could've hoped for. they just encouraged me and let me know that whenever i felt i was ready to come back, they'd be more than willing to put me back up there. and thomas said something that really helped a lot. he just told me not feel like i had to be perfect in order to get back up there, and that no one that sang up there was perfect. far from it. and i know thats true of everyone. no one is perfect. but it just helps to hear that. because i am pretty hard on myself sometimes...and i know that all of that only comes from satan. he shared with me something that someone had shared with him that he says he tries to tell people as often as he can... "God doesn't care about perfection, He cares about your direction." thats awesome. and good.....becasue i'm NEVER going to be even close to perfect. i'm so glad to have a gracious God. oh...and after i met with justin and thomas, later tonight i went over to katy's, and her and i had an even better talk. i'm so glad that God put it in her heart to contact me to check n make sure i was doing ok. she heard i was struggling and responded. and i'm sooo grateful for that. (thanks katy!) after our talk, i'm just so excited about what the future holds for me. i mean....i know now that i'm on the right path. i'm so determined to fight my way back to God...you have no idea. its just such a great feeling to know that He's waiting for me, arms wide open. i love it. i cant wait to see what He has in store for my life. His plan is so much greater than i can even imagine...and as long as i stay on the path to Him, life is going to be wonderful. full of struggles i'm sure....but that makes it all the better! as long as i dont let myself fall, and i have people to rely to help keep me from falling also....oh man. i just want to live the life He wants for me! nothing will be able to beat that. i cant wait to get more involved with the tribe. i used to be so much more into it than i have been the past...pft...probly 3 or 4 months. i dunno what happened. but... i'm gonna be there all the time now, becasue that group helped me out SO much when i first started going to grace point. so thats what i need now. that community...that fellowship...with those people. those amazing people. God put them in my life for a reason and i realize that now more than ever. i'm just super excited to see where this goes.

**thanks God for absolutely everything thats happened. thank you for this struggle that i'm going through. i know its only going to being me closer to You, Lord. thank you for the amaaazing people you've put in my life. thanks for justin, thomas, and katy... thank you for their understanding, support, and encouragement. its just what i needed. and You knew that. You're awesome. i'm excited to see where You're taking me Lord. please dont let me lose sight of that. my heart is burning for you Lord. help me keep that fire lit. in Your Son's holy name. ♥ **