steal my heart and take the pain

Written 6/18/08

ok..., well i just got done reading a few chapters in "the irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne (which ryan gave me forever ago and i STILL havent finished) and.... its just what i needed. of course. thanks God. just a few chapters on how forgiving our God is. how loving He is. how he loves people that society considers to be the lowest of the low. no one is too far gone that they cant be redeemed. how gracious of a God is He?? man... after all the times that i've tuned my back on Him to let in the world... and as soon as i turn around He is still there...arms open...saying "yes, I'm still here. always will be." at first...there's always that guilt. that thought of how could i do that to HIM?? and then right after...there's a flood of thankfulness....and love. why He's still there is beyond me. i mean, i know. i know He loves me...and always will. but...how?? i guess i dont really need to know the answer. i just need to know that its the truth. the pure and simple truth. this thought makes me think back the the winter retreat as we listened to jason speak to us. he gave a great analogy, one i wont soon forget, if ever. he said something that was comparing our relationship with Jesus to a dance. he said something like: "we keep looking down at our feet, afraid we'll mess up; afraid we'll trip over our ourselves. and all Jesus wants is for us to look up at Him. as long as we are looking to Him everything will be alright." of course thats not a direct quote, and i'm sure i didnt say it near as well as He did... but man, that analogy is ingrained in me now. especually because i cant dance! (haha) but really.... i can picture that perfectly in my head. my dance with Jesus...and i just cant stop looking down. self consious about every move i make. and i keep looking down, even though i know what He wants (and what i really want to!) is to look up at Him...into His eyes... and fall in love. fall in love with a passion so strong that nothing can tear me away again. a love that can withstand any trial that is put in front of me.

**Lord, right now i just pray for the confidence to look up at You, even when i'm scared of messing up. especially when i'm scared of messing up! because you are the one that can hold me up and keep me from falling. and i'll never understand it God, but i thank you for your grace; for your forgiveness. i know that i'm not deserving of it... but i also know that you love me regardless. wow. thank you... from the bottom of my broken heart.**

last night i came to the realization that my walk with God is all out of whack. i'm going to attempt to explain with more analogies. yay. haha. umm...well, gracepoint looks at our walk with God like a mountain. we reach different summits... different levels of our relationship with Him, ya know? well... looking at my life, i see my walk with God more resembles waves in the ocean....a tide coming in. and just for the sake of my analogy, we'll say God is sittin' up on top of the sand dunes. (its ok to laugh at that. haha.) well...once i get on fire for God, i get all this passion and energy built up, just like you can see a wave build up before it heads to shore. and then my realationship with Him is on the rise. i pray all the time, get into the Word, have deep God talks with friends, Jesus is part of my life every day... and thats when i'm the wave heading towards the shore. totally on fire for God, and heading straight towards Him. and then the world...satan... starts throwing all kinds of things my way. and at first i see it as nothing. pft...yeah, like thats gonna stop me. and yet...it always does. little by little my wave gets broken down. and just as soon as its almost there.....my wave dies down and washes back toward the ocean. that is until something else sets me on fire for Him again. and it seems like every time i get closer....and closer.... but each time i let the world....that stupid sand....get in my way and knock me back, away from my God.

now...i have no idea how much sense that will make to anyone else, but it makes sense to me, and this is my blog...so...its staying. haha.

but yeah...thats kind of where i am right now. just got washed back into the ocean of life and i'm trying to fight my way back to the shore. i dont wanna be stuck floating in the abyss. i want my life to have a purpose...a direction. and right now that direction is back to Jesus. and i'm gonna get there! He's pulling me in. i feel it. i know He's here with me... wanting me to get back up on my feet and run to Him. and i'll do just that! just wait n' see!