starting over....

hmph. where to start? SO MUCH has changed since the last time i blogged. my spiritual walk has been nothing short of a roller coaster...and the past few months its been nothing but downhill. i've let so much of my passion for pursuing Christ slip away that my relationship with Him has suffered severely. i've let worldly things overtake my heart and my mind instead of consuming myself in Jesus. its all so frustrating to realize. the worst part about it is that i realized it a while ago and chose to do nothing about it. and after that....after i made the choice to do nothing...it all crumbled faster and faster. before yesterday, i couldnt even remember the last time i had sat down and genuinely talked to God. thats depressing.

but then yesterday at church, something hit me. i had a realization. something like "what the heeeeck am i doing!?" all of a sudden nothing that i was doing made any sense to me anymore. i was sitting in church listening to pastor jeff preach and everything i was missing out on lately was right in front of my face. this is the church...this is the pastor...these are the people that made me so passionate about my spiritual walk. this is the place i learned how to be a Christ-follower and not just a Christian. so....why am i almost back where i started?? how could i let it all slip away? i had worked so hard to get where i was....and next thing i know, i turn around and its deteriorating right in front of my face. and i do nothing. and i let it crumble to the ground. i am so thankful that something struck me yesterday to turn this all around. i need it back. i need to get back to where i was. i need to find that passion for living the way i'm meant to. i need to get back to my identity in Christ instead putting my identity into something of the world.

unfortunately this meant giving up something....someone...that means the world to me. someone that right now means TOO MUCH to me for me to be able to still have him in my life. this part of it tears me up inside. but i know that my God is worth the sacrifice. i need to get back to Him. i need to be lost in Him. completely overtaken. and thats all i want right now. He is all i need. its so hard to explain to people that dont get it. i just keep praying that we both find what we need....separately. and then if we ever reach a point again that we could give it another shot then so be it. but right now...there's too much that has to change on both ends.

Father God.... i come before you humbled. so sorry for straying as far as i did. the fact that You're still here waiting for me amazes me. i don't deserve any of the grace you so willingly give to me. i am thankful for Your endless love. please Lord, help me come back to you. consume me again and ignite the fire that once burned in my heart for You. i love you. in Your Son's holy name i pray...... Amen.