i got face down in front of God last night and broke for the first time in a long time. i know that thats what i needed to do. to break...and to be put back together by Him. its a constant stuggle right now to keep Him in the forefront of my mind, but i can honestly say i'm donig my best. i'm not perfect, but i'm not expecting perfection of myself and i know He isnt either. i feel a change. which i didnt expect so soon, but i am so glad. i know there are hard times ahead but i know that with Him i can make it through...because in my weakness His power is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Father i thank you for strength you have provided for me the past couple of days, and i pray that You continue to give me that strength as continue this journey back. thank you so much for your love, your grace, your faithfulness. in Jesus' name..... amen.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
starting over....
hmph. where to start? SO MUCH has changed since the last time i blogged. my spiritual walk has been nothing short of a roller coaster...and the past few months its been nothing but downhill. i've let so much of my passion for pursuing Christ slip away that my relationship with Him has suffered severely. i've let worldly things overtake my heart and my mind instead of consuming myself in Jesus. its all so frustrating to realize. the worst part about it is that i realized it a while ago and chose to do nothing about it. and after that....after i made the choice to do nothing...it all crumbled faster and faster. before yesterday, i couldnt even remember the last time i had sat down and genuinely talked to God. thats depressing.
but then yesterday at church, something hit me. i had a realization. something like "what the heeeeck am i doing!?" all of a sudden nothing that i was doing made any sense to me anymore. i was sitting in church listening to pastor jeff preach and everything i was missing out on lately was right in front of my face. this is the church...this is the pastor...these are the people that made me so passionate about my spiritual walk. this is the place i learned how to be a Christ-follower and not just a Christian. so....why am i almost back where i started?? how could i let it all slip away? i had worked so hard to get where i was....and next thing i know, i turn around and its deteriorating right in front of my face. and i do nothing. and i let it crumble to the ground. i am so thankful that something struck me yesterday to turn this all around. i need it back. i need to get back to where i was. i need to find that passion for living the way i'm meant to. i need to get back to my identity in Christ instead putting my identity into something of the world.
unfortunately this meant giving up something....someone...that means the world to me. someone that right now means TOO MUCH to me for me to be able to still have him in my life. this part of it tears me up inside. but i know that my God is worth the sacrifice. i need to get back to Him. i need to be lost in Him. completely overtaken. and thats all i want right now. He is all i need. its so hard to explain to people that dont get it. i just keep praying that we both find what we need....separately. and then if we ever reach a point again that we could give it another shot then so be it. but right now...there's too much that has to change on both ends.
Father God.... i come before you humbled. so sorry for straying as far as i did. the fact that You're still here waiting for me amazes me. i don't deserve any of the grace you so willingly give to me. i am thankful for Your endless love. please Lord, help me come back to you. consume me again and ignite the fire that once burned in my heart for You. i love you. in Your Son's holy name i pray...... Amen.
but then yesterday at church, something hit me. i had a realization. something like "what the heeeeck am i doing!?" all of a sudden nothing that i was doing made any sense to me anymore. i was sitting in church listening to pastor jeff preach and everything i was missing out on lately was right in front of my face. this is the church...this is the pastor...these are the people that made me so passionate about my spiritual walk. this is the place i learned how to be a Christ-follower and not just a Christian. so....why am i almost back where i started?? how could i let it all slip away? i had worked so hard to get where i was....and next thing i know, i turn around and its deteriorating right in front of my face. and i do nothing. and i let it crumble to the ground. i am so thankful that something struck me yesterday to turn this all around. i need it back. i need to get back to where i was. i need to find that passion for living the way i'm meant to. i need to get back to my identity in Christ instead putting my identity into something of the world.
unfortunately this meant giving up something....someone...that means the world to me. someone that right now means TOO MUCH to me for me to be able to still have him in my life. this part of it tears me up inside. but i know that my God is worth the sacrifice. i need to get back to Him. i need to be lost in Him. completely overtaken. and thats all i want right now. He is all i need. its so hard to explain to people that dont get it. i just keep praying that we both find what we need....separately. and then if we ever reach a point again that we could give it another shot then so be it. but right now...there's too much that has to change on both ends.
Father God.... i come before you humbled. so sorry for straying as far as i did. the fact that You're still here waiting for me amazes me. i don't deserve any of the grace you so willingly give to me. i am thankful for Your endless love. please Lord, help me come back to you. consume me again and ignite the fire that once burned in my heart for You. i love you. in Your Son's holy name i pray...... Amen.
Monday, August 25, 2008
unbelieveable....
i have an amazing God experience to share. so...man. where to start...? well... this morning, after getting no sleep the night before and being in a pretty grumpy mood, i left for work. on the way to work i had to stop at my dad's doctor's office to pick up a prescription for him. i pulled in to the parking lot and parked my car. now, as i was driving i was listening to an amaaazing CD by the band tenth avenue north (if you havent heard of them you're really missing out!). i'm still singing along as i turn off my car and as i glance to my left i see a lady sitting in the car next to me....and she's crying. we make eye contact and she gives a feeble attempt at a smile. i give her a sympathetc smile back....right away feeling a slight twinge to go talk to her or something. i ignore it and brush it off because that is WAAY out of my comfort zone. i'm talkin like... no way would that ever happen. nuh-uh. so.... i walk away and into the building where the doctor's office is....and the entire way to the office all i can think about is that lady. the look on her face...like she just really needed someone. daaang it. at this point, honestly, i'm thinking pretty selfishly. i'm thinking "ok, if she's gone when i get back i dont have to talk to her. not that i really would. but i wont have to deal with the guilt of walking by her twice and not doing anything...." i go into the office and pick up the prescription. i walk out and step onto the elevator having this interal battle with God. i'm telling Him, "ok...no way! i have to start out with something easy! i cant do this. you cant make me. i'm not. no. not happening" the entire time knowing that... yes...He can make me. as i'm leaving...i'm dreading going back to my car....because i know in my heart that poor lady is still going to be sitting in her car....crying...alone. crap. i walk out into the parking lot, and just as i thought, i see her car still parked next to mine. i start breathing harder and asking God to not put this on my heart...because i dont know what i'm doing. i never even pray out loud in front of ANYONE... now i'm feeling this conviction to go pray over a lady i dont even know. a lady sitting in her car in a parking lot! oh my gosh. well...i slow as i approach her car...we make eye contact and do those half hearted smiles....and i walk past. i unlock my car, being just as stuborn as i can be...convincing myself that i cannot do what He is asking me to do. as i climb into my car and set my purse down i realize that my heart is absoluelty POUNDING in my chest. i can hear it! and i'm shaking. and i'm breathing hard. and i realize at that point that i'm crazy for thinking that this is about me. this is not about me not feeling comfortable. this about God knowing that this lady needs something....needs someone to reach out and let her know He's there...and i am the one thats going to do it. i notice that my left foot is still planted firmly on the ground outside my car. i'm not leaving... not until i do this.
i reach over and pull out an "Amplified" flyer from my purse (even though this lady is definitely not in that age group) and stick it in the pocket of my scrubs. i close my eyes for just a second to try to catch my breath. then i step out of my car and close the door. "no way is this really happening...." but it was. i walk to her side the car. she looks up and me and i gesture to her to open the door. she does. i tell her in a slightly shaky voice that i've never done this before, but i saw that she was upset when i first pulled up and felt very convicted to come speak to her. i then asked her if i could pray for her. she nodded and said yes. i bent down and put my arm around her and asked her her name. and this point she started sobbing...and finally got out "alana..." so i closed my eyes and prayed for her just asking God to comfort her in her time of need. when i finished i stood up told her that i hoped she was ok. she told me tthat she would be alright. then i handed her the "amplified" postcard...explaining that it was for my church's college age group, but that there was a map to the church on the back if she wanted to come by. the mumbled a thank you...still very teary eyed. i stood up and closed the car door. i got back in my car to leave. as i glanced back at her one more time i realized that she was sitting in her car staring that card. i have no idea what was running through her mind... but i hope and pray that God touched her heart.
as i was pulling away i realized i probably should've given her my phone number or even just my name... but i didnt. maybe it was supposed to be that way. i may never see her again...but i'll never forget. that was the very first time i've ever listened to the convictions God has placed on my heart that pull me out of my comfort zone. and that was WAY out of my comfort zone. but i trusted Him and i did it. and wow. i can't explain that high. i dont remember the last time i was so excited about something. i drove away and listened to the rest of the song that was on....and then i couldnt resist. i called lisa...woke her up and 8:45 AM (which i'm sure she really appreciated...lol)... and told her the story. and i wanted to share it with everyone! its just such an exciting thing. i really hope everyone gets an opportunity to experience something like that. that was the first time God's ever pulled me THAT hard to do something that out of the ordinary for me and i listened. and it feels so...indescribable.
anyway...thats my story. i hope it gives someone else out there the faith to do what He asks...even if you don't want to. :)
i reach over and pull out an "Amplified" flyer from my purse (even though this lady is definitely not in that age group) and stick it in the pocket of my scrubs. i close my eyes for just a second to try to catch my breath. then i step out of my car and close the door. "no way is this really happening...." but it was. i walk to her side the car. she looks up and me and i gesture to her to open the door. she does. i tell her in a slightly shaky voice that i've never done this before, but i saw that she was upset when i first pulled up and felt very convicted to come speak to her. i then asked her if i could pray for her. she nodded and said yes. i bent down and put my arm around her and asked her her name. and this point she started sobbing...and finally got out "alana..." so i closed my eyes and prayed for her just asking God to comfort her in her time of need. when i finished i stood up told her that i hoped she was ok. she told me tthat she would be alright. then i handed her the "amplified" postcard...explaining that it was for my church's college age group, but that there was a map to the church on the back if she wanted to come by. the mumbled a thank you...still very teary eyed. i stood up and closed the car door. i got back in my car to leave. as i glanced back at her one more time i realized that she was sitting in her car staring that card. i have no idea what was running through her mind... but i hope and pray that God touched her heart.
as i was pulling away i realized i probably should've given her my phone number or even just my name... but i didnt. maybe it was supposed to be that way. i may never see her again...but i'll never forget. that was the very first time i've ever listened to the convictions God has placed on my heart that pull me out of my comfort zone. and that was WAY out of my comfort zone. but i trusted Him and i did it. and wow. i can't explain that high. i dont remember the last time i was so excited about something. i drove away and listened to the rest of the song that was on....and then i couldnt resist. i called lisa...woke her up and 8:45 AM (which i'm sure she really appreciated...lol)... and told her the story. and i wanted to share it with everyone! its just such an exciting thing. i really hope everyone gets an opportunity to experience something like that. that was the first time God's ever pulled me THAT hard to do something that out of the ordinary for me and i listened. and it feels so...indescribable.
anyway...thats my story. i hope it gives someone else out there the faith to do what He asks...even if you don't want to. :)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
cardboad testimonies. just wow.
this video is amazing. i hope it moves you like it moved me. GOD CHANGES LIVES. i am so grateful that He changed mine. ♥
Friday, June 20, 2008
direction, not perfection.
written 6/19/08
so ... i've been e-mailing katy back and forth for the past few days about whats been going on with me these past couple of months and it really helped me realize that right now i'm just not at a place in my walk with Christ to be up on stage on sundays helping lead worship. and that kinda breaks my heart. like i said in one of my previous blogs, the one sunday that i was up there, i really felt like thats right where God wanted me to be. buuuut, on a positive note, i know that i'm going to be right back up there singing as soon as i straighten some things out within myself, and in my realationship with God. today i sat down and talked with justin mccartney and thomas ivey about all of this earlier today and i am just amazed with them. they were so supportive and understanding. i mean, i really didnt expect anything different from them...but wow. it just went so much better than i could've hoped for. they just encouraged me and let me know that whenever i felt i was ready to come back, they'd be more than willing to put me back up there. and thomas said something that really helped a lot. he just told me not feel like i had to be perfect in order to get back up there, and that no one that sang up there was perfect. far from it. and i know thats true of everyone. no one is perfect. but it just helps to hear that. because i am pretty hard on myself sometimes...and i know that all of that only comes from satan. he shared with me something that someone had shared with him that he says he tries to tell people as often as he can... "God doesn't care about perfection, He cares about your direction." thats awesome. and good.....becasue i'm NEVER going to be even close to perfect. i'm so glad to have a gracious God. oh...and after i met with justin and thomas, later tonight i went over to katy's, and her and i had an even better talk. i'm so glad that God put it in her heart to contact me to check n make sure i was doing ok. she heard i was struggling and responded. and i'm sooo grateful for that. (thanks katy!) after our talk, i'm just so excited about what the future holds for me. i mean....i know now that i'm on the right path. i'm so determined to fight my way back to God...you have no idea. its just such a great feeling to know that He's waiting for me, arms wide open. i love it. i cant wait to see what He has in store for my life. His plan is so much greater than i can even imagine...and as long as i stay on the path to Him, life is going to be wonderful. full of struggles i'm sure....but that makes it all the better! as long as i dont let myself fall, and i have people to rely to help keep me from falling also....oh man. i just want to live the life He wants for me! nothing will be able to beat that. i cant wait to get more involved with the tribe. i used to be so much more into it than i have been the past...pft...probly 3 or 4 months. i dunno what happened. but... i'm gonna be there all the time now, becasue that group helped me out SO much when i first started going to grace point. so thats what i need now. that community...that fellowship...with those people. those amazing people. God put them in my life for a reason and i realize that now more than ever. i'm just super excited to see where this goes.
**thanks God for absolutely everything thats happened. thank you for this struggle that i'm going through. i know its only going to being me closer to You, Lord. thank you for the amaaazing people you've put in my life. thanks for justin, thomas, and katy... thank you for their understanding, support, and encouragement. its just what i needed. and You knew that. You're awesome. i'm excited to see where You're taking me Lord. please dont let me lose sight of that. my heart is burning for you Lord. help me keep that fire lit. in Your Son's holy name. ♥ **
so ... i've been e-mailing katy back and forth for the past few days about whats been going on with me these past couple of months and it really helped me realize that right now i'm just not at a place in my walk with Christ to be up on stage on sundays helping lead worship. and that kinda breaks my heart. like i said in one of my previous blogs, the one sunday that i was up there, i really felt like thats right where God wanted me to be. buuuut, on a positive note, i know that i'm going to be right back up there singing as soon as i straighten some things out within myself, and in my realationship with God. today i sat down and talked with justin mccartney and thomas ivey about all of this earlier today and i am just amazed with them. they were so supportive and understanding. i mean, i really didnt expect anything different from them...but wow. it just went so much better than i could've hoped for. they just encouraged me and let me know that whenever i felt i was ready to come back, they'd be more than willing to put me back up there. and thomas said something that really helped a lot. he just told me not feel like i had to be perfect in order to get back up there, and that no one that sang up there was perfect. far from it. and i know thats true of everyone. no one is perfect. but it just helps to hear that. because i am pretty hard on myself sometimes...and i know that all of that only comes from satan. he shared with me something that someone had shared with him that he says he tries to tell people as often as he can... "God doesn't care about perfection, He cares about your direction." thats awesome. and good.....becasue i'm NEVER going to be even close to perfect. i'm so glad to have a gracious God. oh...and after i met with justin and thomas, later tonight i went over to katy's, and her and i had an even better talk. i'm so glad that God put it in her heart to contact me to check n make sure i was doing ok. she heard i was struggling and responded. and i'm sooo grateful for that. (thanks katy!) after our talk, i'm just so excited about what the future holds for me. i mean....i know now that i'm on the right path. i'm so determined to fight my way back to God...you have no idea. its just such a great feeling to know that He's waiting for me, arms wide open. i love it. i cant wait to see what He has in store for my life. His plan is so much greater than i can even imagine...and as long as i stay on the path to Him, life is going to be wonderful. full of struggles i'm sure....but that makes it all the better! as long as i dont let myself fall, and i have people to rely to help keep me from falling also....oh man. i just want to live the life He wants for me! nothing will be able to beat that. i cant wait to get more involved with the tribe. i used to be so much more into it than i have been the past...pft...probly 3 or 4 months. i dunno what happened. but... i'm gonna be there all the time now, becasue that group helped me out SO much when i first started going to grace point. so thats what i need now. that community...that fellowship...with those people. those amazing people. God put them in my life for a reason and i realize that now more than ever. i'm just super excited to see where this goes.
**thanks God for absolutely everything thats happened. thank you for this struggle that i'm going through. i know its only going to being me closer to You, Lord. thank you for the amaaazing people you've put in my life. thanks for justin, thomas, and katy... thank you for their understanding, support, and encouragement. its just what i needed. and You knew that. You're awesome. i'm excited to see where You're taking me Lord. please dont let me lose sight of that. my heart is burning for you Lord. help me keep that fire lit. in Your Son's holy name. ♥ **
Thursday, June 19, 2008
steal my heart and take the pain
Written 6/18/08
ok..., well i just got done reading a few chapters in "the irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne (which ryan gave me forever ago and i STILL havent finished) and.... its just what i needed. of course. thanks God. just a few chapters on how forgiving our God is. how loving He is. how he loves people that society considers to be the lowest of the low. no one is too far gone that they cant be redeemed. how gracious of a God is He?? man... after all the times that i've tuned my back on Him to let in the world... and as soon as i turn around He is still there...arms open...saying "yes, I'm still here. always will be." at first...there's always that guilt. that thought of how could i do that to HIM?? and then right after...there's a flood of thankfulness....and love. why He's still there is beyond me. i mean, i know. i know He loves me...and always will. but...how?? i guess i dont really need to know the answer. i just need to know that its the truth. the pure and simple truth. this thought makes me think back the the winter retreat as we listened to jason speak to us. he gave a great analogy, one i wont soon forget, if ever. he said something that was comparing our relationship with Jesus to a dance. he said something like: "we keep looking down at our feet, afraid we'll mess up; afraid we'll trip over our ourselves. and all Jesus wants is for us to look up at Him. as long as we are looking to Him everything will be alright." of course thats not a direct quote, and i'm sure i didnt say it near as well as He did... but man, that analogy is ingrained in me now. especually because i cant dance! (haha) but really.... i can picture that perfectly in my head. my dance with Jesus...and i just cant stop looking down. self consious about every move i make. and i keep looking down, even though i know what He wants (and what i really want to!) is to look up at Him...into His eyes... and fall in love. fall in love with a passion so strong that nothing can tear me away again. a love that can withstand any trial that is put in front of me.
**Lord, right now i just pray for the confidence to look up at You, even when i'm scared of messing up. especially when i'm scared of messing up! because you are the one that can hold me up and keep me from falling. and i'll never understand it God, but i thank you for your grace; for your forgiveness. i know that i'm not deserving of it... but i also know that you love me regardless. wow. thank you... from the bottom of my broken heart.**
last night i came to the realization that my walk with God is all out of whack. i'm going to attempt to explain with more analogies. yay. haha. umm...well, gracepoint looks at our walk with God like a mountain. we reach different summits... different levels of our relationship with Him, ya know? well... looking at my life, i see my walk with God more resembles waves in the ocean....a tide coming in. and just for the sake of my analogy, we'll say God is sittin' up on top of the sand dunes. (its ok to laugh at that. haha.) well...once i get on fire for God, i get all this passion and energy built up, just like you can see a wave build up before it heads to shore. and then my realationship with Him is on the rise. i pray all the time, get into the Word, have deep God talks with friends, Jesus is part of my life every day... and thats when i'm the wave heading towards the shore. totally on fire for God, and heading straight towards Him. and then the world...satan... starts throwing all kinds of things my way. and at first i see it as nothing. pft...yeah, like thats gonna stop me. and yet...it always does. little by little my wave gets broken down. and just as soon as its almost there.....my wave dies down and washes back toward the ocean. that is until something else sets me on fire for Him again. and it seems like every time i get closer....and closer.... but each time i let the world....that stupid sand....get in my way and knock me back, away from my God.
now...i have no idea how much sense that will make to anyone else, but it makes sense to me, and this is my blog...so...its staying. haha.
but yeah...thats kind of where i am right now. just got washed back into the ocean of life and i'm trying to fight my way back to the shore. i dont wanna be stuck floating in the abyss. i want my life to have a purpose...a direction. and right now that direction is back to Jesus. and i'm gonna get there! He's pulling me in. i feel it. i know He's here with me... wanting me to get back up on my feet and run to Him. and i'll do just that! just wait n' see!
ok..., well i just got done reading a few chapters in "the irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne (which ryan gave me forever ago and i STILL havent finished) and.... its just what i needed. of course. thanks God. just a few chapters on how forgiving our God is. how loving He is. how he loves people that society considers to be the lowest of the low. no one is too far gone that they cant be redeemed. how gracious of a God is He?? man... after all the times that i've tuned my back on Him to let in the world... and as soon as i turn around He is still there...arms open...saying "yes, I'm still here. always will be." at first...there's always that guilt. that thought of how could i do that to HIM?? and then right after...there's a flood of thankfulness....and love. why He's still there is beyond me. i mean, i know. i know He loves me...and always will. but...how?? i guess i dont really need to know the answer. i just need to know that its the truth. the pure and simple truth. this thought makes me think back the the winter retreat as we listened to jason speak to us. he gave a great analogy, one i wont soon forget, if ever. he said something that was comparing our relationship with Jesus to a dance. he said something like: "we keep looking down at our feet, afraid we'll mess up; afraid we'll trip over our ourselves. and all Jesus wants is for us to look up at Him. as long as we are looking to Him everything will be alright." of course thats not a direct quote, and i'm sure i didnt say it near as well as He did... but man, that analogy is ingrained in me now. especually because i cant dance! (haha) but really.... i can picture that perfectly in my head. my dance with Jesus...and i just cant stop looking down. self consious about every move i make. and i keep looking down, even though i know what He wants (and what i really want to!) is to look up at Him...into His eyes... and fall in love. fall in love with a passion so strong that nothing can tear me away again. a love that can withstand any trial that is put in front of me.
**Lord, right now i just pray for the confidence to look up at You, even when i'm scared of messing up. especially when i'm scared of messing up! because you are the one that can hold me up and keep me from falling. and i'll never understand it God, but i thank you for your grace; for your forgiveness. i know that i'm not deserving of it... but i also know that you love me regardless. wow. thank you... from the bottom of my broken heart.**
last night i came to the realization that my walk with God is all out of whack. i'm going to attempt to explain with more analogies. yay. haha. umm...well, gracepoint looks at our walk with God like a mountain. we reach different summits... different levels of our relationship with Him, ya know? well... looking at my life, i see my walk with God more resembles waves in the ocean....a tide coming in. and just for the sake of my analogy, we'll say God is sittin' up on top of the sand dunes. (its ok to laugh at that. haha.) well...once i get on fire for God, i get all this passion and energy built up, just like you can see a wave build up before it heads to shore. and then my realationship with Him is on the rise. i pray all the time, get into the Word, have deep God talks with friends, Jesus is part of my life every day... and thats when i'm the wave heading towards the shore. totally on fire for God, and heading straight towards Him. and then the world...satan... starts throwing all kinds of things my way. and at first i see it as nothing. pft...yeah, like thats gonna stop me. and yet...it always does. little by little my wave gets broken down. and just as soon as its almost there.....my wave dies down and washes back toward the ocean. that is until something else sets me on fire for Him again. and it seems like every time i get closer....and closer.... but each time i let the world....that stupid sand....get in my way and knock me back, away from my God.
now...i have no idea how much sense that will make to anyone else, but it makes sense to me, and this is my blog...so...its staying. haha.
but yeah...thats kind of where i am right now. just got washed back into the ocean of life and i'm trying to fight my way back to the shore. i dont wanna be stuck floating in the abyss. i want my life to have a purpose...a direction. and right now that direction is back to Jesus. and i'm gonna get there! He's pulling me in. i feel it. i know He's here with me... wanting me to get back up on my feet and run to Him. and i'll do just that! just wait n' see!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
a life i should not own
so...i finally decided to start a blog. i put it off and put it off...and decided this weekend that i really needed to do it. i had an awesome sunday and i wanted to write about it, if only so i could look back on it and remember.
i guess i should have just a quick update on me and my life and where i am right now before i get started. at the start of this year i was where i wanted to be in life, especially in my walk with God. every day my relationship with Him got better and better. the only thing i didnt do enough of was reading my bible. i guess it was around the end of april beginning of may i really began to struggle in my walk with God. and the sad thing was i didnt even see it happening. or maybe it was that i chose to not see it... not until it was too late. not only did i fall, but i backslided quite a bit. i had been doing so well, but then i made the mistake of thinking i was strong enough to be surrounded by the things that made me fall before and not let them get to me anymore. i was wrong. after being around it enough... being surrounded by it... its so hard not to give in. and thats what happened. i caved into the pressure. all of that has really started to hit me recently. especially since i've got a good friend of mine relying on me to help keep her on the right path as well. the only problem is its gonna be a little tough for us to rely on eachother when one of our struggles is the same thing. so...we're gonna try to find someone to help us both out with that. prayin' for God to bring us someone who will understand and walk us through the tough times when we can't do it ourselves.
--
this sunday at summer nights, a praise and worship service that the tribe has every sunday night, one moment stuck out for me over all the others. that was when they sang "worlds apart" by jars of clay. as i sat on my blanket and closed my eyes, the words of that song hit me hard. it was my life. its what i'm struggling with right now. letting go of this world to hold on to the one that loves me more than i could ever even imagine. more than i'll ever deserve. at first i felt ashamed. guilty for letting myself be distracted and pulled away from the life He wants for me. but then i think back the winter retreat and realize that the guilt is only evil trying to bring me down even farther. i told Him that i was sorry for everything and let the grace wash over me. i walked away from the service that night knowing that i was loved and forgiven. its so easy to forget that when you let yourself get dragged down so far. but, i'm on my way up now. and i know it won't be easy. i'm preparing myself for a hard fight, but i know that my God is bigger than any problem i'll face, and knowing that is encouragement enough.
--
i've got so much more to write. so much more to say about all of this. but, i'll save it. i've got a lot more praying to do, and hopefully i'll be keeping up with this daily. i'm sure it'll help a lot to be able to get everything out.
--
"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but loveto give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
i guess i should have just a quick update on me and my life and where i am right now before i get started. at the start of this year i was where i wanted to be in life, especially in my walk with God. every day my relationship with Him got better and better. the only thing i didnt do enough of was reading my bible. i guess it was around the end of april beginning of may i really began to struggle in my walk with God. and the sad thing was i didnt even see it happening. or maybe it was that i chose to not see it... not until it was too late. not only did i fall, but i backslided quite a bit. i had been doing so well, but then i made the mistake of thinking i was strong enough to be surrounded by the things that made me fall before and not let them get to me anymore. i was wrong. after being around it enough... being surrounded by it... its so hard not to give in. and thats what happened. i caved into the pressure. all of that has really started to hit me recently. especially since i've got a good friend of mine relying on me to help keep her on the right path as well. the only problem is its gonna be a little tough for us to rely on eachother when one of our struggles is the same thing. so...we're gonna try to find someone to help us both out with that. prayin' for God to bring us someone who will understand and walk us through the tough times when we can't do it ourselves.
--
this sunday at summer nights, a praise and worship service that the tribe has every sunday night, one moment stuck out for me over all the others. that was when they sang "worlds apart" by jars of clay. as i sat on my blanket and closed my eyes, the words of that song hit me hard. it was my life. its what i'm struggling with right now. letting go of this world to hold on to the one that loves me more than i could ever even imagine. more than i'll ever deserve. at first i felt ashamed. guilty for letting myself be distracted and pulled away from the life He wants for me. but then i think back the winter retreat and realize that the guilt is only evil trying to bring me down even farther. i told Him that i was sorry for everything and let the grace wash over me. i walked away from the service that night knowing that i was loved and forgiven. its so easy to forget that when you let yourself get dragged down so far. but, i'm on my way up now. and i know it won't be easy. i'm preparing myself for a hard fight, but i know that my God is bigger than any problem i'll face, and knowing that is encouragement enough.
--
i've got so much more to write. so much more to say about all of this. but, i'll save it. i've got a lot more praying to do, and hopefully i'll be keeping up with this daily. i'm sure it'll help a lot to be able to get everything out.
--
"Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but loveto give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
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